


Wish for Love

by BaraLinni



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 07:24:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17638370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BaraLinni/pseuds/BaraLinni
Summary: Small SPOILER for Kingdom Hearts III endingXemnas gets a well needed visitor in the realm inbetween





	Wish for Love

Xemnas was floating, and not of his own volition. It was actually quite pleasant, if he were to be honest. And he had a sudden urge to be very honest about a lot of things.

He looked around, at the oddly warped space that seemed wide open and closed off at the same time. There was no evident light source, but the area had the dim glow of dusk over a foggy field, if one were to be poetic. Slowly swirling shades of grey. No black, no white, but inbetween the two extremes. Xemnas supposed that was fitting for a Nobody. What was left of one, anyway.

The thought made him instinctively grab at his chest. Something about it hurt.  _ What was left. _ For a short while, he had been the only one left. One, out of thirteen. And for an even shorter while, he had been capable of feeling what that was like. Though, if he were to continue being honest, he would almost have preferred not to. For that short moment, the loneliness had been almost unbearable.

Loneliness. Longing. Regret. Recognising that this was what he was feeling felt like driving a knife through his chest. And in the midst of those feelings, a small speck of dim, melancholy light. A light Xemnas hadn’t even been aware of. Or rather, one he had never bothered to recognise.

In his mind, he reached out toward that tiny light. His consciousness brushed it, and it seemed to explode, lighting up his mind with a myriad of colours and feelings, ripping the knife out of his chest only to stab it back in and twist it. Xemnas found himself gasping for breath. It  _ hurt.  _ And at the same time, the light felt so warm and soothing. Xemnas writhed as he clutched at his burning chest, trying to make sense of the cascade of feelings. Sorrow, loneliness, joy, regret, longing... love.

That was it, wasn’t it. At some point, he had begun to feel love, though he had been unaware at the time. And that love had remained hidden somewhere beneath his strive toward the ultimate goal - here, in the grey fog of his subconscious. Left unattended and unrecognised, it had grown stronger, layers and layers of feelings bundled tightly together inside a protective shell, waiting to be felt and understood. Waiting to be freed. And now that they had, now that they had unraveled into a whirlwind of conflicting emotions, they could never fit inside that shell again.

Xemnas clenched his jaw as the knife twisted in his chest once more. It had to be love to feel this excruciatingly painful and utterly wonderful at the same time. Each warm wave of formerly held-back love was immediately followed by an explosion of regret for how he had treated the person for whom these feelings were meant - how he had taken him for granted. Joy, sorrow, love, self-loathing, cycling through his mind in a relentless assault, and all Xemnas could do was clutch at his chest and try to endure the pain.

A flash of a memory - a snapshot of blue hair - had Xemnas gasping with pain, and he felt something leave a wet trail down his cheek.

_ Saïx. _

“Yes, Xemnas?”

The whole world lurched and for one wonderful moment, the storm inside Xemnas’s mind ceased and the knife in his chest disappeared. He turned his head, staring blankly at the last person he had expected to see again. Especially sitting on what appeared to be a piece of a stone wall in the realm inbetween.  “...Why are you here?”

Saïx crossed one leg over the other, as he always does, and gave Xemnas a crooked smile. “Not even a hello? And here I went through the trouble of waiting for you”.

That same smile had been directed at him numerous times in the past, but this time, it made Xemnas’s whole body ache. “How did you find me?”

The corner of Saïx’s mouth twitched further upward as he looked into Xemnas’s eyes, and Xemnas felt like he was looking right at the whirl of emotions he was trying to suppress. “I heard you calling”.

Xemnas found himself looking at Saïx in a way that he hadn’t done - or perhaps hadn’t let himself do - before. Now, he found himself wishing that he had spent more time marvelling at what he had while he still had it. He wished that he had cherished their time together instead of disregarding it as a means to an end. He clenched his jaw as the knife returned, twisting slowly.

He wished that he had never taken anything about it for granted.

Saïx tilted his head, and the tiny movement was almost startling in the unchanging nothingness. Then he scooted over and patted the space beside him. “Sit”, he said, phrased like an order but delivered like a hopeful suggestion.

Xemnas didn’t know if he actually walked or if he just floated over through sheer willpower, but somehow he found himself sitting next to Saïx, hands resting on the oddly warm stone beneath them. He glanced over at Saïx and their eyes met, and the storm in Xemnas’s mind was back at full force. “I...” His voice cracked. When had that ever happened before? He took a deep breath while Saïx waited patiently. “I have so many regrets”.

Saïx gave him a curious look, and something about the openness of his expression made the love inside Xemnas flare up, flashing momentarily brighter and drowning out all other feelings.

“And I...” He looked into Saïx’s eyes, and it was as if something tightened around his throat. No, he couldn’t say it. Saïx, or Isa, deserved better. The flare of love dimmed down again and Xemnas’s feelings returned to their churning mockery of a dance. “I felt... lonely. Until now”. He could admit that much without outing his true feelings, because doing that would do more harm than good, of that he was certain.

Something landed on his hand, and his breath hitched when he looked down and realised that it was Saïx’s hand.

Saïx traced his gloved fingers along the back of Xemnas’s hand, a small smile on his lips. “So, you missed me, then?” A question, but Xemnas got the feeling that Saïx thought he knew the answer.

“I missed all of you”. Xemnas could tell from the way Saïx’s lips twitched that he was not impressed by his attempted misdirection, but rather amused.

“But I’m the one you called out to”.

He was right, of course, and they both knew it. Xemnas had been backed into a corner, which meant that it was time to turn the tables. “You never answered my question”, he said and looked into Saïx’s eyes. “Why did you come here?”

Saïx averted his eyes and bounced his foot, and it was Xemnas’s turn to wait for an answer. Saïx breathed in deeply and turned his eyes back to Xemnas’s. “Because I think I will miss you, too”.

Despite himself, Xemnas’s insides leapt with joy, and his hand twitched with the sudden urge - no, need - to reach out. To touch. To be touched. To feel real, even just for this moment. He shifted his body closer just as Saïx did the same, and their shoulders brushed before they wrapped each other in a hug. Xemnas had never felt this warm before in his existence, and suddenly, the loneliness vanished completely and the love flared a little brighter again.

“I wish things could have been different”.

It took Xemnas a second to realise that it was he who had said it, and how incredibly true it was.

Saïx’s arms tightened around him and his hair tickled Xemnas’s face. “In another life, things would have been”.

_ Another life. _ That had a nice ring to it. Another life, where things would be different, and Xemnas would do everything that he regretted not doing in this life. A life where he could tell Saïx that he loved him. “Then”, he began, hugging Saïx closer for a moment, “is it alright to wish that we will meet again in another life?”

Saïx was silent for less than a second, but it felt like an eternity. Then he nodded against Xemnas’s shoulder. “Yes”, he murmured before pulling back slightly. He looked up at Xemnas and then his crooked smile returned, and he leaned up to press a soft kiss to Xemnas’s mouth. “I will be wishing, too”.

**Author's Note:**

> I finished KHIII earlier today and I've been having nothing but feelings since then. Xemnas's last lines really struck me incredibly hard in the XemSai, so I felt I had to write it out to be able to deal


End file.
